Monday, January 12, 2009

Gone Fishin'

Well, not wanting to waste any of the new year on ridiculously pointless nonsense, PETA (yes, that PETA) has come up with a sure-fire strategy to get us to stop eating our aquatic neighbors.

They've started a campaign to rename fish: 'sea kittens'.

I kid you not. (There's even a petition you can sign to "Ask the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to stop promoting sea kitten hunting.")

Take a couple of minutes to let the sublime genius of such a strategy sink in. Seriously. I'll wait.

Brilliant, isn't it? And, yet, so simple. I don't know why someone didn't think of it years ago.

Their website claims that: "Nobody would hurt a kitten...People don't seem to like fish." Which, of course, is patently false to anyone not taking whatever drugs the folks at PETA are ingesting. But why let a little reality spoil a blatantly preposterous publicity stunt?

The truth is, people hurt kittens all the time (not all the idiots are in PETA, you know). And people LOVE fish: broiled, fried, baked, or raw (been to a Captain D's or sushi bar lately?).

On the other hand (the one not leaving trails), people don't seem to hesitate eating hush puppies, or chili cheese pups, or corn dogs, or hot dogs, or catfish. And people don't like to eat hair, but they'll eat a fish called a mullet. Also, people tend to dislike the taste of steel, but they'll still eat swordfish.

Hmmmm, that I think about it, perhaps associating something delicious with something cute or inedible won't be such a deterrent after all. Maybe PETA's latest stroke of genius is really just a...stroke. Period. I mean, if that campaign isn't a sign of seriously diminished brain function, I don't know what is.

But, you know, recent studies have shown that eating fish can help fight cognitive decline and depression. So maybe what all those PETA people really need is to eat more sea kittens! (Hey, it's just a thought – assuming they still remember what one of those is.)

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